Company Fish - The Foliage Ninja
I have fish. They are awesome! Best company a girl could ask for infact. Now to be honest, Im not home very often, so the cool pets like dogs, cats, elephants were out of the queston. I need a pet that could survive on its own mostly, that didnt trap me in the city for the weekends with its insistent need to be fed. Goldfish fit the bill nicely (plus it pulled the fish tank out of my shed)
So, what makes my fish awesome you ask??? They can recognise me! well, a silouette outside the tank that feeds them anyway, but theyre still happy to see me. how do I know theyre happy, they follow me around. They see me, they swim up to the glass and they stare insistently at me as though they wish to hug me, and Im sure they would if they could only breathe air and didnt need the water to survive.
So, my most epic goldfish get 7 drips out of 10.
Top 6 Stalker Songs - MissLillz
I must admit I was inspired to write this post after reading The Foliage Ninja's previous post. Reading through some of the offending song lyrics just reminded me of some of the creepiest songs in existence...stalker songs disguised as love songs. To me there is nothing worse than listening to someone singing a love song only to realise that they're actually singing about stalking the object of their affections. I realise I'm meant to limit myself to a list of 5 but really, there's too many to list. I have managed to only limit myself to 6 songs though so here is my list of top 6 stalker songs (not that I actually stalk people mind you *insert worried look here* )...
Number 6 - I Will Possess Your Heart by Deathcab For Cutie
Ok first of all just the band name is enough to get you a little creeped out. "DEATHCAB"??? So they're a band who drive around in a cab picking people up just to kill them...but they only pick up cuties apparently. Granted I do kinda like Deathcab even though I haven't really heard that much of their stuff. I hadn't really paid much attention to this particular song either...until now. With lyrics like:
You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won't let you let me down so easily, so easily
I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart.
These lyrics pretty much scream "you can reject me as much as you want but I'm not going anywhere!! Pretty damned creepy if you ask me.
Number 5 - Creep by Radiohead
Ok so this song is and always has been a popular song. But really, have you ever REALLY listened to the lyrics? Yes the guy is admiting that he's a Creep but there really is a difference between a creep and a stalker. Radiohead is on the verge of eeewwwwwww. For example:
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
...
She's running out the door
She's running out
She runs runs runs
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
Yes hunny you're a Creep and a Weirdo just stay the hell away from me.
Number 4 - One Way Or Another by Blondie
Now not many youngins would really know this one other than from Guitar Hero (damnit I'm showing my age again) but this song is definitely one of the greats. Great stalker song that is. Yes, this song is great fun to listen to and I'm bopping along to it right now...but seriously! Its a stalker's handbook! Granted a lot of guys would have loved to have Debbie Harry stalking them back in the day, but with lyrics like this:
One way or another I'm gonna lose ya
I'm gonna give you the slip, a slip of the lip or another
I'm gonna lose ya, I'm gonna trick ya
One way or another I'm gonna lose ya
I'm gonna trick ya trick ya trick ya trick ya
One way or another I'm gonna lose ya
I'm gonna give you the slip
I'll walk down the mall, stand over by the wall
Where I can see it all, find out who ya call
Lead you to the supermarket checkout
Some specials and rat food, get lost in the crowd
I just have one questions really....what does she want the rat food for??
Number 3 - (Everything I Do) I Do It For You by Bryan Adams
I will be first to admit, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves was one of my favourite movies. I think it still is really. I mean how can it not be with a line like "I'll cut his heart out with a spoon." "Why a spoon?" "Coz it HURTS MORE!" Yes I'll even admit (extremely grudgingly) that it vaguely appeals to my miniscule romantic side. Really this is a classic stalker song. Really, every girl would love to have a guy who was willing to die for her, but its a little creepy when it gets to this point:
There's no love like your love
And no other could give more love
There's nowhere unless you're there
All the time, all the way
Oh, you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it; there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you, I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you, yeah I'd die for you
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you
He's saying that EVERYTHING he does he does it for you. Does that mean he'll cook for you? Does that mean he works for you? Does that mean he pee's for you? And there we have the line that's been crossed.
Number 2 - Cry Me A River by Justin Timberlake
I seriously can't stand this guy, and yet when you listen to it, this truly is a great stalker song. Listening to the lyrics, it's not really a stalker song...until you watch the film clip. Basically in this song Timberlake is sulking coz he's broken up with a chick:
you told me you love me
Why did you leave me all alone
now you tell me you need me
When you call me on the phone
Girl I refuse
you must have me confused with some other guy
the bridges were burned
now its your turn,To cry
But then you watch the clip and its all about him walking through her house watching her, while she has no clue he's there. Now THAT is the actual definition of stalking. Congratulations Timberlake, you're officially a stalker.
Number 1 - Every Breath You Take by The Police
This song truly is a classic love song. To be perfectly honest it's even amongst my favourite songs. When you think about it, this song is basically a stalker's creed:
Every breath you take, every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I'll be watching you
Every single day, every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay
I'll be watching you
O can't you see
You belong to me?
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take!
I'll admit, being stalked...not so much fun. Except Sting...if you want to stalk me singing this song I'M ALL YOURS!!!
Creepy Song Lyrics - The Foliage Ninja
Ok, there are just some song lyrics out there that just creep me out. Some of these songs I quite like, so this isnt a diss at them, just that they happen to include a line that makes me cringe. So, here are my top 5 creepy song lyrics
5. Born A Woman - Sandy Posey
Offending Lyric:
And when my man finally comes home, he makes me glad it happened that way, because to be his woman, no price is too great to pay
DOMESTIC ABUSE IS NOT COOL! Saying that your glad your in an abusive relationship is even worse! Ms Posey begins the song saying how down trodden women are, theyre born to be stepped on, lied to, cheated on and treated like dirt. Her words not mine. She then concludes the song with the above lyrics. Note the use of the word 'Finally', the guy is out on the town drinking and screwing anything with a heartbeat but shes just happy that he comes home eventaully? So the guy she is dating treats her badly and she is perfectly fine with it because shes his 'woman'? No! Bad message to be sending out to all the little girls out there, lovely song, bad message!
4. Catch My disease - Ben Lee
Offending Lyric:
Pleeeeeeeeeease Baby Please, Come Oooooooooooon and Catch My Disease
Bad analagy Mr Lee, very bad. Im sure you try to make up for it in the verses and explain your inexplicable chorus, but Im just reeling from the shock that I just dont want to listen. It is a very sweet song, so sugar coated it almost gives you diabetes. Its the kind of music you put on to cheer yourself up and chew bubblegum to. However begging someone to catch whatever has infected you, just doesnt sound right regardless of the context.
3.Dont Go Near The Eskimos - Cd From My mums Collection and when I find out the guys name, I will change it
Offending Lyric:
But son, you can never rub noses with pretty Oog Shog Nee, not because shes your sister, but son, Oog Shog Nee's got the coldest nose in Alaska
If you google this, it wont come up. Someone by the name of Ben Colder did a remake and changed the lyric, so the sister line is removed. This is an original that my mother has on one of her old country and western CDs. She would play it alot when I was a kid and as a result it is burnt into my memory. Ok, to be fair on the 'son' in this song, he was unaware that Oog Shog Nee is his sister and that his dad wasnt his dad. The thing that creeps me (or conserns me the most I guess) is the fact that the dad is more conserned about his adopted son getting frostbite from a girls nose then the fact that the girl is the boys blood sister. So if she had a warmer nose, he would be fine with this union? Seriously, how did this dude end up with a kid, without the DCP taking it away from him?
2.Me and My Old Lady - The Offspring
Offending Lyric:
Me and my Old Lady, suck each other dry
I first heard this lyric when I was about 14. What freaks me out the most is, growing up in my household refering to your 'Old Lady' is refering to your mother. Given the way the song is written, its about a very 'sexually active' couple in a somewhat dysfunctional relationship. But dudes, you could come up with a better pet name for your partner then your 'Old Lady', or at least one that doesnt make me think that your doing the dirty with your mum! You should also come up with a better pet name for oral sex, then 'sucking eachother dry' *retch*
1. Enter Galactic (Love Connection Part 1) - Kid Cudi
Offending Lyric:
I want to kiss you on your space below your navel-et, the taste that you keep neat, so moist like a towelette.
Ok, seriously! This line is hidden in the second verse. You hardly know its there. Its sneaks up on you and when I first realised what he said I was completly weirded out that I even managed to cringe. What kind of guy, refers to his girlfriends girly bits as a Towelette??? If I had a boyfriend and he attempted that line with me, I would run! So why would you broadcast it to the world in a song? Dont get me wrong, I quite like the song, it makes me bop along to it, but now I stop and wait for that line like an impending car crash. I know its going to be horrific, but I just cant look away
Furniture removalist - Badger
Five of my favourite things about working as a furniture removalist.
5. Steel caps
I’m of Irish heritage. Apart from predictable jokes about our collective level of intelligence and a propensity to drink a shit-tonne of booze just for breakfast, we tend to have a temper. However, I have never been a fan of physical aggression. Instead, I have always found swearing far more cathartic than cock punching whoever/whatever may be pissing me off. This Ghandi inspired attitude towards physical aggression all changed when I wore my first pair of steel capped boots, which are a safety requirement when moving furniture. Man, you can kick shit out of inanimate objects all day and not feel a single thing. Physical aggression has never been so entertaining AND painless!
4. Forklifts
Driving a forklift is fun. Seriously, fun. After a day long course you get your ticket and you’re good to go. And it’s FUN. In the last semester of my law degree I did assignments on the legality of torture in international law; preventing suicide in prisons; and, my personal favourite, a sentencing LRM that required me to spend upwards of ten hours a day trawling through WA rape and robbery cases trying to find comparable facts to the hypothetical scenario we had been given. In contrast, forklifts are FUN.
3. Working with MEN who talk about SPORT
I was watching House with Cuddles a few weeks ago when Dr. House complimented Dr. Cameron by saying ‘nice audible, Peyton.’ This was a hilarious metaphor. That is, unless you don’t know anything about American football, like Cuddles. It was at that point that I realised all my friends are effeminate handbags who hate sport. Labourers, on the other hand, talk about sport ALL DAY. Other than boobs (another one of my favourite topics), it’s almost all they ever talk about.
2. Paid to exercise
While those city working slackers pay exorbitant gym fees to compensate for the endless sedentary hours they spend sitting on their ass at a computer, labourers, by definition, get paid to carry out physical labour. Basically, they get paid to stay fit. While this may not be as appealing when you’re a 50 year old nearing retirement with a sore back and an inability to climb a flight of stairs without whining about how your knees hurt, it’s not a bad life when you’re in your 20’s and trying to impress the ladies.
1. Hot workmates and other fellow labourers
See above. Homo-schmomo, men with muscles who work out all day are hot.
Saw - Jaybells
So it's been a while since i have done a review for this site. I figured it was time you got to see my brand of reviewing justice that could only be explained as "Eh."
So here ya go folks, JB's review number 3.... numero tres..... *same thing in some other language goes here*
This time i will be reviewing that which i personally believe is the most epic movie franchise:Saw the Septology.
The creators of these ground-breaking thriller movies seemed to have one goal in mind when making these movies. TRAPS!!! LOT'S OF TRAPS!!! I can imagine the pitch to the movie execs now.
"So we have this idea for a set of movies. There will be a cancer patient and he will be really good but in a bad way. Or bad but in a good way. He will have accomplices that look up to him and they will.... (And here's the good bit) kidnap people and make them prove they deserve to live."
A bit of a vague description for those who haven't seen the franchise but hey.... If you haven't watched it by now then let's face it. You've been living under your covers your entire life. Probably reading Twilight *shudders*.
Saw 1: (Set in an OLD bathroom) Had an EXTREMELY small budget and window of time from shooting to final cut. (8 days in fact.) It was a VERY well done movie. Widely received by the audience and believed to be a new standards bar.
Saw 2: (Set in an abandoned house ABOVE the bathroom) With a larger budget the crew set out to top what they had previously done. Which in my opinion they did. Even seeming to be able to top the previous twist at the end of the first one. Brilliant.
Saw 3: (Set in an abandoned meat factory) Now with critical acclaim they just had to keep the franchise going. Awesome traps in my opinion in this one..... Very well thought out.
Saw 4: (Set in another factory) Was starting to bring back the story lines that had loose ends. Which i just KNOW was their response to people constantly asking "Well, what about him? Where did he go?"
Saw 5: (Set in a series of rooms.... in a factory) This in my opinion is when it started to take a turn downhill. Starring the woman who played Rita in Dexter which wasn't such a bad move i thought. Lots of "V" symbology through out the movie which i really liked.
Saw 6: ANOTHER FACTORY (but really where else would you set these movies?) Had an interesting idea stretched a little too far. The end of Saw 5 was VERY anti-climactic and this one, Also anti-climactic.
Saw 3D: In your head i want you to say THREEEEEE DEEEEEEE!!! In a deep booming voice as the 3D symbol bounces back and forth from your mental screen..... Cos that's how i did it. This one was NOT made 3D for the sake of it.... (Like most other movies) This one added a sense of realism slash eerieness. I thought it was well done.... a little too crammed though. I have a feeling they had another movie in mind and then squished them both together just so they could get all the whiney complainy bastards off of their backs. Chester Bennington makes a guest spot slash bloodstain.
All in all I loved these movies.... I also am one of those quote NUTJOBS unquote that believes that Jigsaw is NOT a murderer. Yeah, yeah. Criticize if you must but i don't care. I'm right.
I give this franchise 8.5 well designed traps out of 10
Signed while sharpening his skinning knife.... Jaybells
Top 5 Gaming Letdowns - Syphon
Lately I have played a great variety of video games. Mostly thanks to my housemate Jaybells who trades in his old games to get the newest ones, then lets me play them before he trades them in. Best housemate ever! However, playing a great number of fantastic games has made me keenly aware of some letdowns in otherwise fantastic games.
5. Mirror's Edge.
I love parkour and one day would love to be able to do it myself. So when I first played Mirror's Edge I was in heaven. However, a few levels in I noticed a letdown. Lack of flow. There were far too many times I had to stop and search for where I needed to go next. And usually it was when there were guys with guns chasing after me. Having the whole game be in first person view made it that much harder to find where I needed to go. I still love the game and quite often replay levels that I've memorized the path just to feel the flow.
4. Portal 2.
Fantastic game. The story is highly entertaining and it's a huge improvement over Portal 1. The co-op game adds a lot. But no matter what they stuff into it Portal 2 is, at it's heart, a puzzle game. And therein lies the letdown. Lack of replayability. Once you've gone through the single player game and the co-op game, you've solved all of the puzzles so there's nothing to get you to play it again.
3. L.A. Noire.
I loved this game. Gathering clues, interviewing witnesses and suspects and solving cases. Fantastic. It was on a particularly hard case that I stumbled upon the letdown. The impossibility of failure. I had failed every interview in the case thus far and had no idea where to go next. But the game wouldn't let me leave the scene of the crime until I had found the last piece of evidence. The game wouldn't let me fail. Sure I got a bad score at the end of the case but no matter my choices in the interviews I could not fail. And that took the fun out of it. I stopped trying to succeed. Instead I blundered along because I wanted to finish the game for the story's sake. Then the ending let me down too.
2. Fable 3.
There are many aspect of this game that, in my opinion, Fable 2 did better but the major letdown occurred when I became the King/Queen. I was faced with a problem. Raise 6 million dollars to save the people of my kingdom. If I fail, then everyone will die. Then I was faced with some impossible decisions to either raise the money in immoral ways or spend more money to satisfy the promises I made earlier in the game. These options are labeled as being good and evil. The 'evil' options make you money. Yes, in immoral ways but these options will save lives. The 'good' options cost you money to make the world a better place until everybody dies. I decided to do the 'good' options and got the good ending. Where three quarters of the people in my kingdom die but apparently I maintained the moral high ground.
1. Final Fantasy XIII
As far as I'm concerned this whole game is a letdown. It fails at being a game in every way. At best it's a slightly interactive movie but who wants to watch a 45 hour movie? The graphics are great and the story is quite good when you get into it (five hours in) but the gameplay elements suck. It's one long corridor that you walk down for 45 hours. Don't get me wrong, sometimes the corridor is quite pretty. But compared to the freedom of every other Final Fantasy game the corridor gets claustrophobic. It's one battle after another in the corridor and the battle system is so impersonal. It's the worst experience I've had of any Final Fantasy game. A complete letdown.
The "System" - MissLillz
I applogise right now for this rant as it is most definitely not going to be a pleasant one. I've had some bad news and need to vent, and unfortunately dear readers, you will be the victim should you choose to read any further.
Really this rant is on behalf of my favourite relative, my baby cousin. He has a 2 year old daughter and has just sepparated from her mother who is a drug using, abusive borderline personality.....woman. He loves this child to death and would do anything for her (as any decent father would), but there is no denying that this separation has been a difficult one. For the first three months he wasn't permitted to see his daughter except for when the mother decided she wanted to go out and get high and party. She then decided that Mother's Day is a day to be spent without your children so he had her then. Next she wanted an entire week without the child simply so she could get wasted for her birthday. My cousin has now had the child for 3 months straight.
They decided to go to mediation in an attempt to sort out things amicably. The mother didn't show, and even still, Centrelink decided in her favour as they didn't want to take the child away from the 'primary caregiver' as my cousin actually had a job and worked at the time. Never mind the fact that the mother is an abusive drug user.
He then figured that since he had the child for an extended period and had no intention of giving her back to the mother until she had sorted herself out and was no longer living on the street, he would apply for single parent pension. She got word of it and so applied at the same time. Since she is the mother, she got the pension and he didn't, even though there is copious amounts of evidence to prove that the child has been with him all along. This entire time the mother has made no attempt to contact the child and even see if she is doing alright.
The final straw came today. She went and saw the child for the first time in 3 months and decided to take her. This child is only 2 and wants nothing to do with the mother. To the stage where when the mother is on the phone the child puts the phone in the bin, in a cupboard, a draw, even throws it across the room so she doesn't have to speak to her.
In my opinion, the 'System' has failed majorly. The 'System' decided to side with the mother, even though there was insurmountable evidence that she is unfit and doesn't even have a home herself! Even her parents want nothing to do with her and don't want her to have the child. Apparently, according to the 'System' its fine for a 2 year old child to be with its drug F@#&$% homeless mother but not with a father that works and is in a household where there is plenty of love and support. Becuase of this decision there is nothing that can be done to get the child back either. There is no official custody decision and so nothing can be done.
Yet again, the 'System' has failed and a child is left with an unfit parent, and it's highly unlikely I will ever see my niece again.
I give the 'System' -10 out of 10.
Deadpool Exposure - The Foliage Ninja
Im a relative greenhorn when it comes to comics. What my more comic enclined mates tell me about them, I take for the gospel truth. I never really read them as a kid (unless you count the Barbie Comics my mother bought me because she needed something to give 'her little girl' after my brother got a copy of x-men every month), and have slowly been exposed to them over the past 7 years or so. Which brings me to my topic, Deadpool: The Merc with the Mouth.
I had heard of him mentioned a few times over the past 7 years, but my education was focused mainly on x-men, cable, green lantern and for some strange reason Simpsons Comics. I never actually read a Deadpool comic until last month. My god! What have I been missing out on??? The dude is insane in the most side splitting manner.
For those unexposed to Deadpool, the very abbreviated background of him is: he has cancer, got experimented on and now has a healing ability that allows him to survive many a gory death (he can survive decapitation for 12 minutes), couple this with extreme speed and fighting skills and you have a pretty powerful 'mutant' (I think is the correct word). Now for the interesting bit. The guy is INSANE!!! Completely Barmy. He is the only character in the marvel universe to have yellow coloured speech bubbles and at any time he has 3 speech bubbles, which belong to 3 different personality aspects within Deadpool. But you're really not getting it, to say he is batshit insane wouldn't even hold a candle to exactly how mental this character is. To top it all off, he is also aware that he is a comicbook character. So its not unusual for Deadpool to refer to the writers and ask them why they havent resurrected his friend or something like that. He also has a 'pet minion' called Bob. He's kinda his sidekick, he's actually one of the bad guy's minions, who Deadpool liberated and now follows him round and hides at the first sign of danger.
I decided to invest in my own copy of Deadpool and proceeded to read as much as humanly possible in the last few weeks (reality can wait, I haves comics to read). His escapades have included:
-Saving his life with haiku (deal with it)
-Asking one of the members of a team of mercenaries hired to kill him if she has a boyfriend and, while on the phone to her, trying to start a meaningful relationship while he is also shooting the other members of her team and flying a light aircraft with his feet
- learned how to say OH $#@! in Skrull-ese
-Built a chair out of plastic explosives (Semtex too, not that cheap C-4 stuff)
-Blew up a hoard of zombies while singing 'B-B-B-Baby You just aint seen N-N-N-Nothing yet!'
-Used the super mario strategy of entry via sewer pipes, WIN!
-Has his pet minion Bob ask him a favour at gun point
-Storms a building to Kill Norman Osborne, faces countless perils and robotic purple smoke bats to discover that he should have checked that Mr Osborne was in the building (he was in a nearby building)
-Spends half a comic with an arrow in his head
-Builds a suit of armour out of meat
-Teleports a herd of very peeved dinosaurs right in the guts of New York where they get infected with Venom and rampage through the city.
The dude is awesome. Would never like to meet him in real life (he'd probably shoot me in the head for being boring), but reading his escapades has certainly brightened my month.
Deadpool gets 9 cash jobs out of 10
Syphon, play nice. Remember Im a greenhorn at this comic stuff . . .
Procrastination - Syphon
I have found myself with a lot of time on my hands lately. When I think of what I should do with this time the responsible part of my brain thinks of things like: I should clean my house, I should wash some clothes, my car could use a clean. And at the same time the lazy part of my brain thinks of things like: that boxed set of Futurama isn't going to watch itself, that part of my couch doesn't have a visible butt-print yet.
So I start planning out my free time. 'Okay, I'll watch the new episode of True Blood while eating lunch but then right after I'll start on the dishes.' Then the time comes to wash the dishes and I think 'I wonder if someone has commented on my status on Facebook. I'll just check real quick then I'll do the dishes.'
Then after three hours of doing nothing on Facebook, I think 'Well, no one commented on my status. I guess I should start the dish... Hey, a new game on the internet. I'll click this ad for it.'
After being thoroughly disappointed with 'Wizards 101' I get a bit hungry. 'I'll have a snack and then I will definitely do the dishes. No more distractions. I'll just watch a movie while I eat.' So I start watching Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. But you can't just stop at the end of Fellowship. You have to watch Two Towers then Return of the King.
Then it gets dark and dinner has to be ordered made. And then something has to be watched while I eat my pizza healthy meal. Then it gets too late to do dishes. Then I go to sleep.
Morning comes and I wander downstairs to find my housemate Jaybells' friend asleep on the couch. I figure that if I do the dishes now, it will wake him up and that would be rude so I watch cartoons on my laptop with my headphones in for a couple of hours while I wait for him to wake up.
He wakes up in time for brunch. Mmm bacon and eggs. Then after brunch I think 'Okay, no more procrastination. I simply must to the dishes. But it's been a while since I wrote a review on Zero Out Of Ten.'
I give procrastination 0 dishes washed out of 10.
Rain - The Foliage Ninja
Ok, I realise I'm doing a lot of reviews in a relatively short period of time. I make no apologies. I have found myself with a vast amount of time on my hands and with nothing else to do other then clean so I choose to review.
So, yesterday the Irish Weather Gods came to holiday in Perth. If anyone out there has been to Ireland you will understand perfectly what I mean. In Ireland they only have two weather settings. The first is cold and damp, the second is cold and wet. Both were covered quite aptly in yesterdays weather and I swear if I hear another person tell me that winter has finally hit us I'm going to pummel them into next Tuesday.
So, the day began with much warning about a thunder storm. A storm with a great might that Perth hasn't seen since the great hailstorm of 2010. Well, maybe not that bad but bad enough for the managers to mention about checking that every vehicle had a working chainsaw and spare traffic cones before leaving the yard (makes it seem more like the zombie apocalypse then a simple thunder storm). So, after the fear of god was fed into all of us we tottled off to the bunker (I work out of a bunker, how awesome am I).
I can not begin to tell you how excited I was. I love storms. Thunder, lightning, wind, mighty weathery fury for all the world to see. Theyre amazing things storms, and this one would have been doubly so because of the zombie factor (least thats what I thought after the chainsaw talk)
So we waited. We made a cup of tea. We waited. We saw a rainbow over a red dawn sky. We waited. It started raining. We waited. It rained some more. We waited. IT RAINED ALL FRICKEN DAY and still we waited. No bloody storm. We sharpened the tools, swept the bunker, practiced golf, drove round in circles in the ute, went to the shop, had an hour for lunch and smoko, you name it, we did it in an attempt to pass the time while it rained all bloody day with not even a whisper of the promised storm.
We had EXTRA chainsaws for pete's sake!!! Extra chainsaws for us awesome council workers to save the world from some magnificant zombie laden storm!
No storm.
Lots of rain, but no storm. I sat with my brain boiling away out of boredom without even a hint of a storm. Fail storm, fail.
So, I rate yesterdays weather 4 frostbites out of 10. An awesome rainbow (seriously, mind blowing rainbow) and the feeling of rain against my face saved it from a 2 out of 10. Rabble, rabble rabble.
Supanova 2011 - MissLillz
I do realise it has been a while since I have posted and will try to endevour to post more often from now on as I do not wish to avoid my invaluable reviewing duties. And so here is this week's review...
Watch out world I'm about to admit to my Geekiness...Yes I go to Supanova almost every year (well as often as I can afford to go). My first ever Supanova experience was back in 2007 when I went to Sydney on a spontaneous holiday. I ended up going with The Lost Ninja and a few other friends that I met online. It was, to say the least, amazing. My first ever convention of any kind (other than a health expo I was working at for the Hepatitis Council when I volunteered for them, but that's another story). My mind was blown and I was forever lost in the land of Geekdom. Since then I have been to the last 3 Supanovas here in Perth (now that they are held in Perth).
Now I'm not going to deny, the first Supanova I went to in Perth was probably the best one I went to. I was with my now ex-fiance and we had an absolute ball! That year we were able to participate in the seminars for free as well as meeting some of the celebrities. We got to meet Spike Spencer, the ex did a voiceover seminar with him and we even got his autograph. We went to all the stalls, spent way too much money and sat and saw the cosplay. It was a great day (just a shame it was with him :-P )
The second year (last year) I went with my sister, basically because no one else would come along with me. We went to all the stalls and wandered around for a bit and then went home. Not as much fun as I was hoping. My sister and I don't really get along that well and so it was a little tense all day, especially since Geek isn't her thing.
This year's Supanova I would rank fairly highly. I managed to find another Geek friend (JayBells) and so I had someone to come with me who shared the passion of the Geek. It was a great day and JayBells first ever convention. We managed to arrive relatively early...well before lunch time at least...and the place was already crowded, more so than previous years. The costumes were amazing, and JayBells, being the person that he is, got me to take photos of him with almost everyone there (at least thats what it seemed like). We walked around to all the stalls at least 3 times each, and as usual spent too much money. The only down-side was that this year you had to pay extra to attend the seminars, which REALLY sucked as I would have loved to have spent some time drooling over watching James Marsters. Even still, a great time was had by both of us, followed by collapsing in exhaustion when we got home.
Overall I would give this years Supanova 7.5 Gamer Points out of 10.
Dexter - DaisyChain
Controversy. Yeah, people aren’t going to like this review. Or maybe they will- because I will be very honest.
So the TV show Dexter is a hit show that was original because it made a seemingly bad guy into a protagonist. As i do often have a love of villains, I was thoroughly intrigued.
I don’t like Dexter. This isn’t a one off decision. I watch 2 complete seasons of Dexter to come to this conclusion. So here are the points I have to make:
• The show is well made. Good acting, good script, good writing, good direction. On these points I agree. I obviously thought highly enough of the show to watch 2 seasons (relatively non-stop).
• The show is entertaining. You’ve got most of what you would want in crime-type show. Singular episode story line, with an underlying continuous mystery.
• The characters have good background, good relationships.
• Dexter is a dick.
Sorry! I just can’t relate to him at all. Never mind him torturing and killing people (do they deserve it? Who am I to judge), his inability to feel emotion bothers me. Apathy bothers me. There was one redeeming point to him....
SPOILER ALERT! DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED THE FIRST 2 SEASONS!
I liked when he could’ve killed a kid, but he was just a kid, so he decided not to kill the kid. (Season One, Episode Three). Awesome. Nice guy.
Second season is when I made my definitive decision.
Doakes.
Doakes.
Now, in theory, the reason why people like Dexter is because he follows a code. I believe he broke that code by allowing the death of Doakes. Yeah yeah, I know I know, TECHNICALLY Lila killed Doakes- but TECHNICALLY Hitler didn’t kill millions of people. Doesn’t make him less of a dick. I love a good bad guy. In fact, I will probably review my top 5 bad guys sometime. What I can't stand is when a bad guy claims to be a good guy.
So in the end, I found I was unable to watch any more Dexter. It’s pretty difficult to like a character who is a hypocrite. Many people didn't find this to be an issue for them, and they happily continued on.
In the end, I give Dexter 5 stabs to major arteries out of 10.
Dusk Candle - The Foliage Ninja
I would like to say, that over the past year I have honestly missed not being able to use scented candles. I have especially missed not being able to use the scented candles from Dusk (which is what this blog is about, not the cheep dodgy sort from the $2 shop). Alas, the non-usage was due to circumstances beyond my control, however in the unpacking of stuff into my current abode I have rediscovered their delight.
The two main reasons I take delight in scented candles include:
-FIRE! I realise its only a small flame, but come on, FIRE! Any excuse.
-They gently hint that theyre there, you know like that strange feeling you get when you walk into a room and ask the rooms owner why you can smell tangerines? Its that delightful feeling of when you think you've gone crazy for a split second.
-Smell is the most powerful evoker of memories. Its nice to walk into the house and remember climbing in trees as a kid, or playing with your great grandmothers jewellery, or the delight of getting a rose flavoured birthday cake (yes, they do exist).
There is a flip side to the coin, they are not all sunshine and happiness. There are a couple of undoings to scented candles:
-They are bloody expensive! $15 for a candle in a jar (as I dont have a plate to burn them on so the wax doesnt get everywhere) and thats just when they are reduced.
-Physically going into Dusk to get them, is Nasal Napam. Its almost like walking into a pleasently scented curry house that will give you diabetes any second. There is such an array of scents that when you combine them ALL, it destroys.
-Finding the one candle that has a decent scent to it. In my case, they take so long to burn through (which is a good thing due to the expense), which means that when I find a flavour I like it has usually been discontinued by the time I need another. Then you have to go through all of the flavours sniffing candles trying to find the most calming scent that apeases your nose.
-Then there is the slight fire hazard you face when you decide to burn a candle near some curtains or something. I would like to note though, if you lack common sense then hey, evolution is only doing its part. Horay for Darwin.
So, to sum it all up, I do delight in scented candles from dusk and I love the fact they come in handy little jars I can seal up after, so I can control the smell like some awesome hero with very mild super powers.
Scented Candles from Dusk get 6 fire hazards out of 10.
The people I know - The Foliage Ninja
After much gentle and persistent nagging by a certain mate, I have finally gotten round to writing a review. After spending a whole 2 minutes thinking over what I can review, food, sunnies, houses, broken toe nails (and trust me I have a facinating one right now), I figured Id rate my mates.
So, my theory thus far is I simply collect people who make me happy. I usually have an interesting story of how I met most of them. Stalked them in high school, exposing me to the never ending story, shared an interest in Final Fantasy, body slamming vending machines, taught me how to read the lines on my palms, even found them on street corners. They come in an assortment of colours, some even have very useful special features (computery advice and law problems are solved, not to mention any baking problems that I encounter and most awesome fishing companions) They are all very different people, from very different walks of life and with very different views on life.
Although being very different, they all seem to put up with my little foibles. My need to stalk them via postman, my constant use of slang (no I am not making words up), my obsessive facination with plants and the need to educate the world on them, the constant spouting out completly useless information they take as gospel when I have no real way of backing myself up, my need to know the story in video games but the impatience to gain the skill to play them . . .
Despite all of this. These people still allow me to be part of their life as they are part of mine. When my world falls apart, theyre there with duct tape and solastic. When I smile, they share the memory and remind me of it later. They join me in quoting the good times and reflecting on the bad. They make awesome promises on video games, scrabble, comics, tea and cake, movies, beaches, fishing trips and escape from the city trips. Not all of these promises have come true, but rest assured, I will nag them into fruition. Honestly if I woke up in prison, they would be in there beside me saying 'well, that was fun'.
I realise this blog is all drippy and sentimental, but my mates are truely awesome people. They paint my world 100 different shades of awesome, even though I dont see or speak to them every day. Truth is Id probably drive them potty if I saw them that frequently.
So, I rate my mates 11 out of 10 how the hell did we end up here's?
A Clockwork Orange- DaisyChain
In high school English, students in our class were allowed to do a book report on any topic we liked. We were to read as many novels as we could with a certain ‘theme’ or connection, and present our findings to the class. I chose to do my report on banned literature throughout time. Mostly the changes in society interested me, but it also gave me a fantastic excuse to read novels of a questionable content, and talk about them in class.
My interest in banned books followed me all the way into uni, where I found a Clockwork Orange and decided it was time to read it. Previously, all I had known about a Clockwork Orange is that I attempted to watch the movie when I was about 13 and that the first scene had made me feel physically sick and was unable to watch.
For those of you who know nothing about a Clockwork Orange, it was a book written by Anthony Burgess in 1962. It presents a dystopian near future where we follow the main character “Alex” through a life of violence and crime.
The fantastic thing about this novel is that Burgess created a language called “Nadsat”. Roughly based on Russian, Nadsat, despite initial doubts, was easily picked up by the reader. I would go so far to say literary genius. It’s amazing how attuned you are to Alex, presumably, because of this language connection. A malicious act viewed on the screen, is completely desensitized in the novel, by not using the words that insight the horrified reactions. By the end of it, you do actually feel sorry for him.
I can’t emphasise enough how imperative it is for you to read this book instead of watching the Stanley Kubrick film adaptation which made a Clockwork Orange notorious. Despite Kubrick’s decent interpretation, it is simply not as fantastic as the book.
Suffice it to say, I still use the phrase “and all that cal”.
Suffice it to say, I still use the phrase “and all that cal”.
CRUCIAL NOTE: Ensure that whatever copy you read contains Chapter 21. This is the way Burgess wanted it to be written. It is a travesty that American publishers, and indeed Kubrick’s adaptation removed Burgess’s intended ending for what was considered to be a ‘more popular ending’. I couldn’t disagree more with this decision.
I give a Clockwork Orange 9 pages out of 10.
Top 5 Battles! - Jaybells
Yes i know.... Another one? So soon? What do you do with your time?
Well, i'll answer your last question first.... NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
Here is my next review.
*In deep booming announcer voice* TOP 5 EPIC BATTLES OF ALL TIME time time time!!!
Swinging in at number FIVE on my top 5 favourite battles of all time has to be a fight from the movie Never Back Down
He just..... WOW.... I love capoeira fighting and would kill to be able to do it but alas, I was blessed with "not-so-good-at-balance-genes". Eh, This fight however was one of the coolest things i'd seen in a while.... well choreographed and I just know the ladies watching this clip are getting all hot and bothered over Punchy McFacePunch.
NUMBER FOUR!!!
This is a lot harder than it looks (if i had a dollar for everytime i said that)
This one was my favourite for a long time... I think it is VERY VERY well put together... aptly named Ryan Vs Dorkman 2, This brings lightsabers to modern day teenagers.
WATCH IT!!!!
Numero Tres
This one is only this far down because of that fact i may have worn out DVD and VHS versions of this movie just replaying the damn scene. That's right it's Neo versus SMITHS!!!
Granted this scene has been parodied beyond belief i think that it was still well done. Also, there's a scene about 7:40 in where all the Smiths sound like dominoes.
II
Yes there was a poop joke but i thought it'd be in bad taste. Ironic.
This one is by far and away a true testament to that which is nerdy. Dead Fantasy... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIy5Q3EB6ec
Just watch them.... Dead or Alive characters versus Final Fantasy X characters.
Number WON
You HAVE TO watch this. If you are not a fan of Red Vs Blue then i'm sorry but every conversation you and i will have from now on will be utterly glazed over by the fact that i won't be able to restrain myself from punching you SQUARE IN THE FACE!!
I can't even begin to describe it..... BUT i will say this. Apparently the guy that did the Dead Fantasy videos is the one who has done this for the guys at RoosterTeeth productions.
It's hard to give a rating to all of these but i think i won't be blamed if i just rate myself instead for having awesome taste in fight scenes.
I give myself 9 pizzas out of 10.... Coz i am a hungry hungry boy (Not hippo)
Signed Jaybells the Pwnage Master
Splintercell: Conviction - Syphon
Splintercell: Conviction is my very favorite game. I could go on and on about how good this game is, how the game mechanics created a play experience I had been waiting years for, how ever since I played Operation: Winback and Metal Gear Solid I had been in love with stealth games but was unable to find one that didn't let me down in some way until now. But I won't.
I could go on to say that the first time I played the demo of Splintercell: Conviction I found that it was infinitely superior to every Splintercell before it. That the idea of having multiple ways to finish each level made me fall in love with the game. That the 'Mark and Execute' game mechanic made me feel like I was a highly trained operative, just like the main character Sam Fisher. But I won't.
I could say that the story mode was quite entertaining and that the 'Deniable Ops' feature made the game infinitely replayable. That the ability to shoot lights to create shadows added depths to the realism of the game. That the co-op feature made for some excellent games, depending on who my partner was. But I won't.
Instead I will solely focus on the game's downfall. All of the elements that made the game unenjoyable and a hassle to control. Every time the game failed to make me believe I was an ass-kicking, bad ass stealth machine.
But I'm biased. I love this game. There are no bad points in my opinion.
I give Splintercell: Conviction 10 dead henchmen out of 10.
Silence - DaisyChain
I fucking hate silences.
It may sound melodramatic, and I suppose it is, but it doesn't change the fact that I hate silences.
To me, a silence is like a social slap in the face. I find it awkward. I assume others do also (even though I have been told on several occasions that they don't).
Things I associate with silence:
• Anger. Like at huge family gatherings. I come from a family that get together every year for Christmas come hell or high water. Some years, its more like hell. We all know who is hating on each other, and what about. So-and-so talked to so-and-so's ex-husband even though they KNEW it was an implied betrayal. The inevitable silence when someone picks up on tension in the room freaks me out. Everyone stands there pretending to be happy when they'd really like to spike their younger sister's drink with a horse tranquilliser.
• Boredom. Clearly, if people aren't talking, they mustn't want to. They resort to pulling out their phones and cleaning their nails with credit cards.
• Awkwardness. I think there has only been a few situations in my enter life when I felt too awkward to speak up. No one to talk to, nothing to do. It makes you feel small. Small, insignificant and uninteresting. And I hate when the room is filled with those same looks. The looks of people who wish they knew how to broach a conversation with someone, and the next person looking just as scared.
• Impending doom. Silence also has a way of reminding me about horror movies. Right before you get stabbed in the back with a rusty coathanger, there's that silence. Eerie, taunting silence.
So, given that silence reminds me of all of these things, the moment it feels like a brief pause in conversation MIGHT turn into a silence, I fill it with what ever I can think of. Probing questions, witty anecdotes, jokes, or my own personal rendition of my sister when she was heavily pregnant *waddles*.
I can't sleep in complete silence. I can't read in complete silence. My new car? It's too quiet. It bothers me. So I drive with the window down. Silence makes you feel disconnected to the world.
I was recently told that my inability to sit in silence was in fact a sign of a social insecurity where I felt personally judged by my verbal social interactions with others, and that i thought silence was a sign of failed social interaction.
I spent the next hour both agreeing and disagreeing with her point.
Then there was a moment of silence.
So I stabbed her with a rusty coathanger and left.
I give silence Zero __________ out of Ten.
Top 5 Useless Things - Badger
5. Wasps
I really don’t understand what useful contribution wasps make to the ecosystem or the planet in general. That is, other than setting up house on our fence and then stinging the shit out of me when I least expect it. I mean, bees may sting as well, but at least they work hard at producing honey too. Wasps don’t. They do nothing. Well, some wasps make honey too, just not in the same quality/quantity as bees. But those wasps down the side of my house aren’t there for my benefit, diligently pumping out golden sweetness for me to harvest. No, they’re there just to fuck with me. And to be honest, they’re winning. One more neighbour complaint to police about a mad woman running down the side of the house screaming hysterically while wildly waving her arms in the air and I may be committed. But trust me, I tried the quiet approach first, and it didn’t work. I have the photos to prove it.
4. The distinction between the Labor and Liberal party
I swear Australian politics used to have two major political parties with fundamental differences in their policies.
3. My dog
Well, my dog isn’t completely useless. In fact, he’s awesome. However, he's useless at following orders. And considering I’m on holidays right now and have nothing better to do than play video games, his inability to comprehend the command ‘go to the fridge and get me a beer because mama’s too busy killing people to get it herself’ is becoming quite disappointing.
2. Man Nipples
I don’t know. I just don’t know.
1. My Arts Degree
The thing that no one tells you about university, particularly when it comes to the arts, is that the only real skill you learn is how to be a student. Unfortunately, there aren’t many jobs out there that are looking for people who are experienced in being students. If there was, I’d be out making the big bucks right now as I’ve been in some form of schooling since 1990 (apart from 2005, that year I was drunk). Every other employer wants someone with experience in the field. And you can’t get experience without being experienced. Unless you have big boobs, in which case, you can get pretty much anything you want.
Commitment - DaisyChain
Yeeeeaaaahhhh..... So, I grew up with my mum and my brother. That's right, single parent family. My parents split when I was 5, and my dad decided to leave the country. We didn't see a lot of him for a while.
It's quite amazing really how social groups form. If you're a couple, you hang out with other couples. If you're single with kids, well, you guessed it, 30+ year-old women sit around
drinking tea talking about how men are morons, and women are 'empowered'.
So, not only did my parents project this idea that a man is never present, but it was pretty much all around me. Of all the friends I had growing up, only a sparse few had two parents at home, and I don't think any of them depicted happy relationships. Suffice it to say, I cry whenever I see a good-daddy in a movie, doing good things, and just generally loving his kids more than anything else.
Man, that totally sounds like I have daddy-issues, doesn't it....
Regardless, I grew up like any girly-girl. I had a dream man, a dream wedding, a dream house, dream kids, a dream life; all focused around this one dream relationship. Girl meets Boy. Boy does ridiculously nice things for Girl forever and ever. The End.
This carried on much longer into highschool, and even in early uni days where my idea was still the same:
"There is one guy out there for me. He is perfect."
And then, something happened. My best friend, synical as all get out, who honestly believed that love was just a chemical reaction in the brain telling us we we're a pack animal, fell in love.
And suddenly, for whatever reason, the tables turned. I still don't know if this was a trigger, or merely a coincidence, but I felt myself feeling less and less enclined towards boyfriends, husbands, and dream men.
I've come to the realisation, that relationships require give and take. Well, turns out i'm not quite the giver I thought I'd be! All my plans, the TANGIBLE plans that I had: wedding, kids, house, life- never really revolved around the dream man being there all the time. In fact, if he was there all the time, he'd just find a way to screw it up. Talk too much, or too little. Have too many opinions, or not enough. Be un-romantic, or be sickly corny.
Why did I grow up with these ideas then? They weren't MY ideas? 6 year old me certainly didn't think "I feel like I have a man-sized hole in my life". No. It was Cinderella. And Snow White. And Maid Marion. And Ariel.
Bitches.
So to be fair, I did try. I went to dinners, and courted, and even dated. And nothing was different in my life. It was exactly how it always was with friends. I went to dinners. I went to the movies. I cuddled.
The only thing that changes is the expectations others place on you. Society places on you. THEY place on you.
So why is it, that I'm someone who can't stand to be alone, but the idea of a boyfriend or husband freaks me out?
Because my friends kick arse.
I give commitment to somebody else's dream 3 engagement rings out 10
Microview: Alpha Protocol - Syphon
Not as good as Splintercell: Conviction but has an interesting mechanic whereby you plan for each mission by buying intel. I give it 4 covert operations out of 10.
Skulduggery Pleasant - Syphon
Imagine, if you will, a skeleton. This skeleton wears a suit, hat and scarf. He drives a 1954 Bentley R-Type Continental, one of only 208 ever made. He is a detective. Armed with a gun, elemental magic and razor-sharp wit, he has taken down countless foes. That skeleton is named Skulduggery Pleasant and he is the creation of one Derek Landy and my favorite protagonists of all time.
Skulduggery has five books to date with a sixth being released soon. They are impossibly well-written and cater to all of my interests. Great story, incredible characters, magical powers and epic fight sequences.
But the thing that gets me to read and reread these wonderful books is the banter between each of the characters. Every conversation is packed with wit. It's like watching a fast-paced tennis match. Back and forth, back and forth. Everything Derek Landy writes is brilliant but the dialogue is where his work really shines. It's laugh out loud funny.
Each and every character is fleshed out to such a degree that you feel like you could reach out and touch them. And with each new story they grow and change. Each event they are put through affects them in some way. Some changes are sadly irreversible (poor Tanith).
I've tried thinking of a negative opinion for this review and all I've come up with is that inevitably the series will have to come to an end. Eventually, I'll have to say goodbye to all of my favorite characters.
I give Skulduggery Pleasant 9 spare skulls out of 10.
Red Nose Day - Badger
I’m not that fond of children. They’re loud, they haven’t yet learnt the value of a white lie, and they have this ridiculous sense of entitlement to praise every time they take to paper with a handful of coloured crayons and no concept of staying within the lines.
I envision myself as having entered the world already matured. You know, the type of kid who emerged from the womb quoting Shakespeare and possessing a detailed understanding of Renaissance political theory. Although, if you ask my mother, she’ll probably tell you my formative years involved more snot than sonnets and more mud than Machiavelli...but she’s been known to lie before.
My oldest brother, well, he didn’t have a childhood. He had three days. However, I envision they were three days full of joy, love and little baby hugs. I picture that, for those 72 hours, visiting family members filled the room, swooning over the size of his little baby hands, wondering if they themselves had ever actually been that tiny. My father probably sneaked outside to smoke celebratory cigars with his mates while my mother breathed a long sigh of relief, a number of miscarriages in the past having had her on edge for most of the pregnancy.
Considering their previous run of bad luck you would think that they would have been spared further pain. Unfortunately, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that there’s no karmic balance in life. There’s no angel on your shoulder ensuring every time you catch a bad bounce you’re dealt pocket aces next time around. And there certainly was no angel looking over my oldest brother when something as simple as sleeping saw him drift away from my parent’s presence forever.
So I don’t believe in much. I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe I’ll ever finish that novel I started writing, and I don’t believe my other brother will ever stop being an impossibly perfect human who sets insufferably high standards for me to live up to.
But I do believe in science. And I do believe in money. And I believe if we combine the two by supporting red nose day this year on the 24th June, and every other year too, we can help fund vital research into preventing SIDS.
I give Red Nose Day 10 research grants out of 10.
Top 5 Disney Babes- DaisyChain
For the purpose of this list, Disney will refer only to the Walt Disney Company. This excludes Pixar, Dreamworks, or any other cartoon-producing-children's-filmmakers. (Honorable mention to Anastasia- even if she is voiced by Meg Ryan)
I am also only doing female characters that would be considered the 'main heroine'. (Honorable mention to the sexy barmaids in Beauty and the Beast)
So, here is my countdown:
5. Ariel aka The Little Mermaid
Coming in at number 5, for a ranga, she's pretty hot. Especially when she gets her legs, and wears the best outfits! Her awesome Sailor outfit is reminiscent of Sailor Moon. She has that naivity that's endearing, and that adventurous curious personality. And BOOM! Beautiful smile. She smiles a lot more than most other princesses.
CON: Daddy's girl is a bit young, at only 16, and she doesn't talk for most of the movie... Or is that a good thing...
4. Esmerelda
Very underrated hottie from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. The first Disney leading lady to don make-up (followed only by Mulan), Esmerelda has that free-spirited gypsy awesomeness. Her slammin' hips and big hoop earrings makes her an admirable competitor to other princesses. She dances, and does it barefoot! Never been a fan of shoes myself.
CONS: Unfortunately, she's a bit shallow, right? This movie doesn't have the nice-feel-good ending that Beauty and the Beast had. In the end, she proved the 'It's what is on the outside that counts' mentality. I certainly wont be letting my kids watch this film- even if she did make my list.
3. Aurora
The only blonde to make my list. As a general rule, I can't say that I'm a fan of blondes. Sleeping Beauty is the exception. She sings Tchaikovsky! Her awesome wavy hair is flowy enough to make everyone jealous! She's sickly sweet and willing to throw away her birthright for her 'dream man'.
CON: Not much of a personality on her. Much like Ariel, she spends too much time not speaking, and in this case, asleep! *YAWN*
2. Megara
Making the cut at number 2, for those of you who don't recall this damsel in distress, she makes her debut performance in Hercules. Tiniest waist in all the Disney world, Meg manages to seduce Hercules with her butt-wiggle and hair flick. Probably the only leading lady to really have a sarcastic repertoire- I think she's gorgeous.
CON: She may try to kill you... but she did it to save her cheating exes life! Poor girl.
1. Belle
She's totally the hottest right? Never mind my obsession with brunettes, she rocks that whole 'I'm sweet, intelligent, and not judgemental or shallow' thing. Belle proves that girls CAN read, and it's not about being with the most popular guy in town (even if Gaston's song is one of the better villian songs ever!)
CON: *thinks* nope, i'm sold. I love Belle. She likes animals, she likes reading, and she looks after her nutjob dad. Just an all-round nice gal.
Honorable mentions to Tarzan's missus 'Jane' and 'Jasmine'. I know everyone thinks Jasmine is the hottest, but her snootiness bothers me. No one cares if you want to be poor. You're a princess, get over it. But, you know, she has a pet tiger, and that's cool.
AFL Live PS3 - Badger
I have a confession to make: I’m in an abusive relationship. No matter how badly AFL Live treats me, and trust, this game is REALLY BAD, I just keep going back for more.
Firstly, the soundtrack has a ridiculously short catalogue of two songs. Granted, 'Holy Grail' by the Hunters and Collectors is awesome. However, two songs is clearly too little considering the amount of time you spend on menu screens. Fortunately, my experience to date is reminiscent of the How I Met Your Mother road trip episode where the tape is stuck on the Proclaimer’s song ‘500 Miles’.
“Don’t worry, it comes back”.
My knowledge of the lyrics is now so profoundly intimate that it would be remiss of me not to have them serve as titles throughout the remainder of this review in order to accurately reflect just how much this song is a part of the overall experience.
Started out, seeking fortune and glory
I had been waiting a number of years for an AFL game to be developed for the PS3. So in the days leading up to its release this game was essentially like crack to me, and I was keener than Charlie Sheen to get my hands on it. This was due to the previous incarnations of AFL games I had played BEING. FUCKING. AWESOME. (Although, I have a feeling this may be one of those occasions where you remember something as being far more awesome in retrospect than it actually was. For example, my baby dyke stage living in Sydney, where I sported a mile high faux hawk and got laid every weekend in Newtown. Yeah, I don’t think that actually happened either, but my long term memory recalls that period of my life as BEING. FUCKING. AWESOME.)
It's a short song, but it's a hell of a story
I’m assuming the time it takes me to compose this review will be roughly commensurate to the amount of time it took me to explore the different features of this game and complete it on the easiest level. In other words, there’s not much to it. The most glaring omission was a career mode, which seems a staple of any successful sporting title these days. In contrast, the major feature this release has over its predecessors is its online mode. However, because Sony is more incompetent at providing a secure online gaming platform than Tony Abbott is at attempting to look sexy in a pair of Speedos, I’m still yet to play a game online.
Offline, however, the game play is pretty good, at least on the easier levels. The pace of the game is faster than Paris Hilton (okay, that one was too cheap) and the experience reflects the modern advances in the game with its heavy focus on handballs and ruck contests. You will, however, spend the first ten minutes being constantly ridden into the ground by overeager opposition players that wrap their deliciously chiseled arms around your torso as soon as you pick up the ball. This will lead you to stumbling upon the inherently existential question all AFL players must ask themselves at some point in their career: how is something that involves this much man-on-man contact considered a cornerstone of masculinity in today’s society? Because, well...it feels totally gay.
I've been searching for an easy way to escape the cold light of day
I genuinely enjoyed the game on the easier levels, it felt like a fresh relationship filled with flowers, fondue for two and soft fondling. However, whoever developed the trophies for this title clearly wanted to extinguish the player's ability to engage in the outside world effectively. On the easier levels I completed a NAB Cup and Premiership as Fremantle with Captain Pav picking up both the Brownlow and the Coleman Medals. I also got to feel like a winner, as all game addicts are who take achievements seriously (SARCASM!!!), by receiving the respective trophies for these accomplishments.
However, moving on to the harder trophies is where things went bad, and my doting new partner revealed its true, overtly abusive, colours to me, turning me into a wretched, battered housewife who hates life but stays around for the kids. The harder trophies involved completing seasons in real time games (80mins), on the hardest difficulty, with extreme injuries. The first problem with this is that two mornings in a row I was still playing when the sun rose because, FOR FUCKS SAKE, 80mins is a long time to complete a game. And you have to complete upwards of 24 of them to complete a season. If I’ve developed only one skill from my 5+ years at university, it’s my ability to focus for extraordinarily long periods of time on tasks that are otherwise COMPLETELY FUCKING POINTLESS except for the pretty thing you get at the end and that warm fuzzy feeling of accomplishment.
I've been high, and I've been low
It gets worse though. Just when I had started giving myself metaphorically ‘no-homo’ pats on the backside (you know, the ones completely heterosexual sports stars seem so fond of dishing out to their “team-mates”) for mastering the game on the hardest level, I find out it was all a lie. The AI is a cheat....Or maybe I just suck. One of the two.
But seriously, the “highs” initially came in the form of spectacular pack marks that saw me coming from behind (still no-homo) and using opposition players as step ladders in order to out mark the hapless fools who thought they were worthy of challenging me. However, by the hardest level, even when I played in front of my opponent I still failed to take a contested mark. In contrast, when I was in defence, all I could hope for was a limp spoil (where you punch the ball from your opponent's grasp) which resulted in a sense that my players were less coordinated than a drunk in Northbridge whose repertoire of problem solving skills was limited to using his fists to sort shit out.
This resulted in the low, with me constantly slamming the controller into the ground, screaming obscenities at the TV and consequently thanking Sony that even though they may be incompetent fucktarts when it comes to holding customer’s information securely, at least their controller’s durability is comparable to that of a black box’s in a plane crash. However, this commotion typically occurs at sometime between 2am and 6am in the morning, when the rest of the house is asleep, so there is only my dog left at that time of day to softly rock me in his bosom through the emotional turbulence I experience playing this shithole of a game. Although, most times, he just looks down his snout at me with eyes that read “I think you may have an anger issue”. That, and “Shut the fuck up, I’m trying to sleep.”
But I've got nowhere else to go
The final thing, the absolute killer, is that the game freezes. I mean, the bugs in this game are so bad that you can’t complete a premiership with certain teams. Personally, I lucked out 9 games into a premiership with West Coast. I understand some games freeze occasionally, but every time I tried to play the Bulldogs the screen would lockup at some point into the game and I eventually had to abandon the season. I’ve read that this occurs for some of the other teams too. For a game that retails at around the $100 mark, this simply isn’t good enough.
I'm still here, I'm still a fool for the Holy Grail
Despite all of these flaws, I just keep going back for more. I mean, I know I deserve better than to be treated this way by something I love, but I just can’t help myself. Although, essentially, this is because it’s the only AFL game out there at the moment and I’m desperate to play Aussie Rules.
Ultimately, I think that AFL Live is a promising return, at least in terms of game play, after far too many years without a release. Ideally, this potential will be developed, the bugs will be worked out and the soundtrack will be expanded in order to produce a follow up that is worthy of the AFL franchise and the $100 price tag.
I give this game 2 barely intact controllers out of 10.
Top 5 Super powers - Syphon
Actually my title would be: Top 5 Super powers I would like and the immoral use of them. But i had to cut it down. Formatting issues.
5. Flight:
The only immoral use of the power of flight I can think of is an easy escape from one-night stands. It's only included on this list because I've wanted to be able to fly since I was a child.
4. Teleportation:
Being able to teleport into bank vaults at night would be advantageous as well as highly immoral. The movie 'Jumper' covered the possibilities of teleportation pretty well.
3. Invisibility:
As a pubescent teenager the possibilities of being invisible would be endless. Girl's locker rooms, ... uhh. No, okay. One possibility. Well, that's enough, isn't it?
2. X-ray Vision:
On the surface, x-ray vision would seem to encapsulate invisibility and teleportation's possibilities. Seeing into a girl's locker room and seeing the tumblers of a vault door. But also, keeping an eye on your neighbours has never been easier.
1. Telekinesis
Anyone who has seen the movie 'Zapped' need not question why telekinesis is number one on this list. The ability to pop open any girl's shirt far surpasses any other super-power's potential for immoral uses. Plus, being quite a lazy guy, being able to open the fridge and grab a drink without even getting up is reason enough for telekinesis's winning position.
Rain Drenched Walk - MissLillz
I figured for my first review I would write about something that I absolutely love. It's no big secret that I love the rain. If the rain was a sentient being I would take it home, make sweet sweet love to it and most likely marry it (which for those who know me is a pretty big deal).
My day started relatively ok. Woke up and took JayB to an appointment. There were a few clouds in the sky but there was some blue and the sun was kinda out. Then I had to go to class and the usual. BUT, about half way through class, there was a sound on the roof. Everyone looked at each other, then looked out the window. Sure enough, the drumming we all heard on the roof was not random possums running around (which was a distinct possibility), but the rain. The clouds were that dark bluish-grey that speaks of torrents of water just waiting to be released, with even a hint of lighting to ensue.
The end of class arrives and everyone rushes to the window to look out. Sure enough it was still raining. We were all huddled in the hallway chatting for a while, hoping that the rain would let up enough so we could get to our cars (well the others were, secretly I was hoping it would get heavier). Eventually it was time to go.
I started walking to my car on my own, enjoying the dark sky, savouring the feel of the raindrops landing cold and wet on my skin, slowly washing away any worries or stresses of the day. Then one of my friends met up with me and we walked to my car together, chatting away about nonsense, unwinding after class. By the time we got to my car we were both blissfully soggy and worry free. After dropping her off at her car, I continued on home, euphoric in the fact that I knew it was going to continue raining for some time to come.
I give my first walk through the rain for the season 8 clouds out of 10.
Lunch, 17th of May - DaisyChain
Ok, so I get that blogs about lunch must be incredibly dull to read, but I have to share that my lunch today was spectacular!
I went down to this little cafe in Fremantle called "The Mistral". It's pay day, so i was willing to pay anything for a good lunch. I've been eyeing them off for a while. They have burgers, chips, lasagne, cakes...
I got a combination takeaway container. Got myself some fried rice, garlic vegetables, and the best mac and cheese (including bacon!) that i've ever tasted!
Seriously. If you're ever in Freo, it's near Dick Smith's. So much filling-mouth watering-goodness $6.50. A non-healthy alternative. Yum-Yum.
8 fingerlicks out of 10.
Chocolate Mousse - Syphon
On Friday night I went to 5 Bar in Mount Lawley with a couple of close friends to celebrate my friend Brendan's birthday. It was the first time I had been to 5 Bar and I was impressed. The place was fantastic and we all had a great night. The highlight, in my humble opinion, was when my friend Pam bought a chocolate mousse for us all to share.
Now, I have had many a mousse from a myriad of restaurants but this mousse far surpassed all of them. It, to steal my friend Pam's turn of phrase, felt like an angel had just peed on my tonsils. As far as I could tell, the mousse itself wasn't anything special. It was served with a strawberry topping of some kind and it was the mixture of these two elements that blew my socks off.
After a few spoonfuls I noticed all of my friends were staring at me. I had been making orgasmic faces and sounds as I ate. I got quite self-conscious. But not enough to stop eating. My embarrassment came to a head when the waitress came to collect our empty dishes and glasses. She gestured to the almost finished dessert and said, 'Are you guys done with that?' My friends looked at me, saw the intent displayed on my features and said, '...go on.' So I picked up the jar it came in and scraped as much of the delicious confection off of the sides as I could. And as I sat there, spoon in hand, waiting for the waitress to take the empty jar away so I could indulge in the last remaining mousse in private, I realised she was waiting for the spoon. So, with yet another spectator, I devoured my final taste of ecstasy with minimal spectacle except for a low moan which I choose to believe was inaudible.
The only fault I found with 5 Bar's chocolate mousse would be their choice of serving dish. While serving it in a jar is a very different and visually pleasing choice, unless you dig very deep into the jar with your spoon you don't get the mix of mousse and strawberry that made the mousse so memorable. In fact, our first taste of the dish was nothing but strawberry topping.
I highly recommend this dish to all chocolate lovers and challenge anyone to find a better chocolate mousse.
I give 5 Bar's chocolate mousse 9 orgasms out of ten.
Being Direct - Badger
For my first review I thought I would take a look back at my recent attempt at being direct. You see, I tend to tip toe around topics, perusing the corners of issues before drifting to their centre. Developing a discussion focused on eliciting your opinion of the security situation in Libya is probably going to start with me asking you what you had for breakfast.
‘Yeah, I like porridge too.’
I didn’t inherit this ‘softly, softly’ approach from my father. If I’m an IKEA Allen key when it comes to constructing conversations, where five hours into assembling the base you still don’t know how the hell this is going to turn into a five tier bookcase, then my father is a sledgehammer. A sledgehammer trying to knock a tiny nail, into a tiny birdhouse...for tiny birds. Needless to say, there’s been some collateral damage along the way.
So I was thinking, perhaps I should have a crack at this whole being direct thing. You see, I like this girl. In a friend way. Well. In a ‘I have no f*cking chance in hell because I’m Lady Gaga gay and you’re Chuck Norris straight but I’m happy to be your friend’ kind of friend way. And what’s to lose, right? I mean, apart from my freedom of movement if she’s 500m within any place I may wish to visit in the near future.
I decided to start small, working my way up to my end goal. My test subject was my puppy. A game of fetch with my dog starts the usual way, with me throwing a ball down the hallway. This is typically followed by him chasing after it like an ADHD kid with too much red bull coursing through his system combined with a severe lack of awareness as to his surroundings...like door frames. Once he retrieves the ball, this is typically followed by five to ten minutes of dialogue that involves me asking really, really nicely that he returns it so that I can throw it again. But not this time, it was time to change my approach and be more direct.
‘Drop. The. F*cking. Ball.’
The outcome? Success! He dropped the ball instantly. Although, to be honest, that may not have been all that he dropped out of fear....
Anyway, based on my immediate success I thought it was time to go for broke. I developed a conversation in my head as to how the exchange with my future friend would go:
Me: ‘I want to be your friend.’
Her: ‘Ok.’
It was foolproof.
So the next day I saw her across Bush Court and I knew it was time to begin stalking our friendship. I zigzagged behind trees like a fat ninja walked in her direction while practicing my opening line.
But then I remembered I was hungry and I had a sandwich in my bag. It was imitation ham and cheese on soft white bread with a smear of margarine. It was awesome.
I give my sandwich 7 slices out of ten.
The Social Network - DaisyChain
I had originally planned to watch this movie in the cinema. It looked fascinating but something else always took precedent. 2010 was such a good year for movies. Out of curiosity I checked out what I did watch in the cinema that year: Buried, Inception, Shutter Island, Easy A, Tangled, The Town, Black Swan & Toy Story 3.
Anyway, I finally got around to watching it the other night.
It was quite good.
I know that sounds like such a bland review but really that's the best way to describe it. It wasn't necessarily a rivetting plot line, as movies based on true stories often aren't, but it did have me thoroughly intrigued! I think while watching I had googled 7 or 8 of the characters to 'check facts' and assess what I wanted the outcome of the movie to be! And as a result, it did draw me in. It had a few hilarious moments interwoven with the rest of the otherwise quite serious and poignant movie.
As most of you might know, the film is based on the creation of the Social Networking site "Facebook" and the subsequent lawsuits surrounding its success.
• Brillant performance by Jesse Eisenberg as the stoic Mark Zuckerberg. (Check out Squid and the Whale-one of my favourite movies ever)
• Interesting character depiction of Sean Parker by Justin Timberlake; a story I didn't expect to hear. (Check out Alpha Dog with JT too- great flick)
• Sexy performance by Andrew Garfield (check him out ladies!!!)
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this film while watching it even if it took me a while to actually get it into my dvd player. Very thought provoking, but probably wouldn't watch it twice.
I give the film 7 friends out of 10. Worth the watch.
Lunch, 9th of May- DaisyChain
Today, due to money restrictions, I had a Hot Chicken Roll, purchased from the new Chicken Treat in Fremantle.
Bleh.
I was most disappointed when the Fremantle "chooks" was changed to "Chicken Treat"- perhaps the worst fast food chain in existence.
The chicken was dry;
The mayo was sparse;
The bread was chewy; and
what was once a $3.95 item when I was growing up, is now $5.70- and a lot worst than I remember.
And, believe it or not, I'm still hungry.
I give my lunch 2 rubbish bins out of 10
Minecraft - DaisyChain
As a girly girl, it isn't particularly often that I find a game that doesn't involve shooting, fighting, or violence of any kind. As a rule, violence makes me ridiculously nervous, and I throw whatever controllers I have (including mice and keyboards) and hide under the nearest chair or desk. I found the first 15 minutes of playing Minecraft delightful. I made myself a little house, and started a little garden.
And then a zombie came a bashed me to death.
I wasn't particularly pleased with this, as I was now scared to death. I would alternate between spending 15 minutes in my house, doing nothing- to doing things outside until I noticed the slightest change in the weather. The second the screen got one shade darker I was screaming and running back to my little hideyhole.
After Syphon showed me how to change the settings to "peaceful", I was having fun again. Making a decent house, mining for materials, making armour, and preparing myself for what I would eventually have to do to make the game more interesting- turning the monsters back on.
For the creative mind, Minecraft is amazing. It doesn't bother with the flashy graphics, and it is very simple to learn how to use. I recommend Minecraft to anyone who doesn't like to lose.The easy option to turn off the monsters whenever you want is fantastic for this- and it could prove challenging to those who don't like this certainty.
I give this game 7 blocks out of 10.
Playing Co-op with Minion - Syphon
I love co-op games. Working together to a common goal is just my style. I have had the pleasure of playing many co-op games with many different partners. Good and bad. But nothing could prepare me for playing co-op Splintercell: Conviction with Minion. He sets off the alarm every level, gets killed constantly and can never help me out of a choke-hold. Finally I could take it no longer. I had to stop playing. Dying all the time just was no fun. And this was after playing for only thirty minutes. Then I came to my computer to write this review. I was compelled. Maybe it was just to record this moment for posterity. Maybe because it made an amusing review. Mostly, I think, it was to remind me to never play co-op with Minion again.
Overall I give 'Co-op with Minion' 1 silenced pistol out of 10.
Pants - JayBells
I myself am not a big believer in the wearing of articles of clothing that limit your mobility. Nothing sums up my infuriation more than the abominations known as pants. Invented by someone..... at some point, Pants are used to shelter ones genitals from the cold and possibly to ward of mosquitoes.
I myself right now am wearing pyjama pants only because i am sitting in my housemate Syphon's chair and in public view of him and another mate of mine. If they weren't here you can bet i would be out and proud and danglin'.
That being said i need something to review and so i have chosen my pyjama pants. They have a slight chili stain and a few tears around the ankle area but nonetheless they serve their purpose.
As for comfort, Eh. They're okay. They're black and have a drawstring in case i lose weight. Also, A two buttoned fly which can both hinder and help you in certain situations. For example, If i've been drinking myself into a stupor then i sure as sh*t don't want to have to fuff around trying to undo the buttons to ensure sweet relief. BUT, when running down the stairs it is nice to have a certainty that i wont be showing everyone my elephant impression without my knowledge.
I give pants: 5 legs out of 10 and implore you, if you are female and attractive that is, to not even bother with pants..... Just drive on over and i'll help you slip into something a little more comfortable.
